The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant
by Sheo Darren
Summary: Featuring the lovely ladies of Seed and Seed Destiny, plus Rey Za Burrel, in a riot of an AU humor fic about how a beauty pageant can get quite out of hand. Finally! After one and a half YEARS of writing block, here comes another chapter!
1. Pageant

The spotlights centered on two teens in fancy costumes. "Hello, everyone! I'm Kira Yamato!"

"And I'm Athrun Zala!"

"And we're your hosts," the two enthused simultaneously, "For the first and much-awaited Miss Seed Destiny Pageant!"

**  
The Miss Seed Destiny Pageant**

**  
Author Note:** Gundams Seed, Seed Destiny and Wing and any anime/manga not mine. AU humor fic. Shiho is hot.

**  
** "The Miss Seed Destiny Pageant is a search for the most beautiful, most appealing, most inspiring young woman for Cosmic Era 69! Selected candidates, proud representatives of their countries, shall compete for this most prestigious prize: a one year scholarship!

"First, let's introduce our judges." Kira gestured. "The Chairman of the PLANTS, Gilbert Dulindal!"

A vibrant chorus of "Seig Zeon!" resounded.

"The Chief Representative of the Emirates of Orb, Yuna Roma Seiran!"

While boos, catcalls and heckles rained, a blazing GOUF Ignited crashed through the ceiling and fell on Yuna, killing him instantly.

Cagalli's whoop of relief was audible even from backstage.

Kira and Athrun sweat-dropped. "Um… since Yuna is dead by most unfortunate circumstances… it appears that Miss Erica Simmons will have to substitute as judge."

Cheers for the good-looking Coordinator chief designer.

"And the President of the Earth Alliance…" Both Kira and Athrun were shocked. "Relena Darlian Peacecraft?"

Amid a storm of "What the hell?" and "Oh, my God, we divided by zero!" Relena primly took her seat.

"Okay, so this is now a crossover, huh? Oh, well." Athrun shrugged. "Let's now welcome our lovely contestants!"

"Right, Athrun. First up is the songstress of peace: Lacus Clyne!"

In the crowd, a certain Earl Osborne goes wild. "Oh, yeah! Marry me, baby!"

Lacus blushed. Kira frowned.

"Next we have the princess of Orb: Cagalli Yula Attha!"

The sprightliness in Cagalli's walk was undeniable. She really enjoyed Yuna's untimely death. She didn't complain about Athrun calling her "princess". She even blew him a flying kiss, which made Athrun blush.

"Um… ah, Fllay Allstar!"

Fllay did Cagalli one better by blowing a raspberry at Kira, which elicited a disapproving look from Lacus.

"Something tells me Fllay appearing here is wrong," the troubled Kira told Athrun.

"Perhaps. Next we have Meer Campbell!"

"No!" the girl protested amidst accusations of "Faker" and the Lacus' further disapproval. "I'm the real Lacus, Athrun!"

"…whatever. Anyway, here's Lunamaria Hawke!" said Kira.

"And Meyrin Hawke!" added Athrun.

It was Cagalli's turn to stare daggers at Athrun as both Hawke sisters beamed at him. "You have it worse than I do, don't you, Athrun?" Kira asked.

"Thanks to _Seed Destiny_? Yeah. Returning to the show: here's Shiho Hahenfuss!"

"Shi-Who?" everyone asked.

"She's the girl with long brown hair, purple eyes and ZAFT Red uniform," Athrun elaborated, "Who you sometimes see near Yzak in _Seed Destiny_."

In the crowd, Yzak Joule blinked. Dearka Elsmann then took the opportunity of elbowing his friend. "There's your hetero pairing, buddy."

"Shut up. I shouldn't even be here if you didn't bug me so much."

"Enjoy the show."

The crowd whined "But we still don't know who she is…"

"Uh huh," Kira said. "Continuing: ace photographer journalist and my good friend, Miriaria Howe!"

In the crowd, Dearka ducked behind Yzak. "Hide me, buddy."

"Coward…"

But he had good reason to do so. Milly scanned the crowd most aggressively, seeking out her ex-boyfriend. She did not, however, spot Dearka.

"Whew," Dearka muttered. "That was close…"

"Worthless," Yzak told him. Meanwhile Athrun now introduced "Murrue Ramius!"

A swarm of fan boys immediately put on copies of Neo Lornokke's mask and declared: "I'm Mwu!" Save for one guy, who wore an Earth Alliance-style pilot helmet and said: "Murrue! I am your dead Mobile Armor fiancé from _Gundam Seed_!"

Murrue stared. So did Mwu/Neo, who was also in the crowd sans the mask.

Then the fan boys wearing Neo masks started dying painfully as a certain blonde psycho blade expect hacked and slashed her way towards the stage. "Don't dirty Neo's name, you filth!"

"Oh," Athrun shrugged. "And here is latecomer Extended, Stellar Louissier."

"Stop it!" Kira yelled at Stellar. "Those people don't deserve to die!"

"Die?" Stellar's eyes went wide. "No! I don't want to die!" She ran amok, chopping her way out of the crowd and into the street in a panic. Sting and Auel chased after the berserk Extended girl.

"Nice going, Kira," Athrun muttered. "You've just provoked the enmity of the biggest emo-wuss since Camille Bidan."

"What?"

**  
**"Curse you, Freedom," swore Shinn Asuka, seated in his apartment watching the entire thing on TV. "I will destroy you for doing this to Stellar!"

"_Oniichan,_" Mayu asked, "Who are you talking to?"

"Don't mind me, Mayu. I will avenge the man who killed you!"

"_Oniichan_, I'm not dead…"

**  
** "Finally, last but not the least: Rey Za Burrel!"

The crowd went silent as Rey stalked towards the end of the lined beauties, who all regarded him strangely.

"Something's wrong here," Athrun told Kira while they suspiciously eyed Rey.

"You're right," his friend agreed. "But I can't exactly put my finger on it."

"Anyway, everyone, give our contestants a round of applause!"

The crowd obliges.

**  
**_to be continued…_


	2. Secret Origins

_One may just wonder what brought this phenomenal event into existence. Well, switching to a God's eye view of the history of this world, one may learn about the various circumstances that led to this insanity that is…_

**  
The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

**  
**_a massively insane AU humor fic_

_everything is not mine_

_updated every two weeks. enjoy  
_

**  
_Part Two: Before The Contest_**

**  
**"Athrun," the dying Nikkol admitted, the Sword Strike's big-ass Schwert Gewehr anti-ship sword buried into his cockpit and frying him alive. "I always wanted to host the Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant… do it for me!" Then the Blitz Gundam exploded.

"NO!" Athrun howled. "NIKKOL! MISS SEED DESTINY? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?"

**  
**"Milly," Tohru said before his Sky Grasper took off on that ill-fated mission, "You, know, I had always wanted to see you in a skimpy swimsuit…"

"Tohru… you perv… go and die…"

**  
**"Maybe your boyfriend croaked before he saw you in a skimpy swimsuit," the rope-bound Dearka sarcastically joked.

Predictably, Miriaria grabbed the nearest stabbing implement and leapt at him. "Don't remind me of that perv, you bastard!"

(And so began their love-hate-kill relationship… which will end in _Seed Destiny_, thanks to that bastard Fukuda and his lazy ass scriptwriter wife…)

**  
**"Cagalli," Lord Izumi told his daughter before he shoved her into the Kusanagi, "You must live for me. Join the Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant. Win it and secure our nation's future!"

"…what?"

**  
**Mwu brought the battered Aile Strike in to block the Dominion's Positron Cannon beam. As his Mobile Suit began to explode around him, he muttered, "Well, looks like I've done the impossible again…"

"MWU!" Murrue screamed.

"…If only I could have gotten Murrue into the Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant… yet one more impossibility for me to turn into possibility…" Then Mwu **_"dies"_**.

Murrue grimaced. Miriaria glowered.

"I wish people would stop sacrificing themselves for this stupid pageant," the latter girl grumbled.

**  
**"Athrun!" The dying Patrick Zala gripped his son. "Do it! Host the Miss Seed Destiny Pageant! Kill all the Naturals!" And then he died.

"Why do people keep telling me to host a beauty pageant?" the perplexed Athrun asked Cagalli, who nodded sympathetically and patted his back.

"I know what you feel. My dad has these weirdest last lines, too…"

**  
**"Fllay!"

"Kira!"

Zap. Shuttle exploded. Fllay died. Rau Le Creuset laughed his masked head off. "Now I have sent her off into that place where all stupid Gundam pilots' girlfriends go when they die, ensuring that she will never get a chance to join the Miss Seed Destiny contest! My clone will thus win it! Such is my evil!"

"NO!" Kira howled. "FLLAY! WHY DID YOU DIE SO STUPIDLY? AND WHAT'S WITH THIS BEAUTY CONTEST THING?"

**  
**"Chairman," Talia asked Dullindal, "Why did you sponsor this– this pageant?"

"Simple, my dear. It is the culmination of my oft-mentioned but vague-due-to-scriptwriter's-negligence Destiny Plan: to turn all humans into Coordinators and so ensure peace and prosperity for the human race!"

"… really, now…"

**  
**"A Natural must become Miss Seed Destiny," Jibril told the assembled members of Logos, "For a pure and blue world! This time for sure!"

"I concur," Azrael Murata agreed.

"…o-kay," the rest of the Logos council mumbled. One of them added: "Hey, Azrael, aren't you dead already?"

**  
**"To see Cagalli in a swimsuit," Yuna whimpered into his pillow, not knowing he would die even before the contest proper he so dreamed of seeing started.

**  
**"The Superior Element Evolutionary Drive," Erika Simmons explained to Asagi Caldwell, Mayuri Lapats and Juri Wo Nguyen, "Will show itself in this beauty contest. That is why I volunteered as a substitute judge: to get the chance to observe this singular event happen."

"…huh?"

**  
**"Curse you, Freedom!" Shinn railed at the TV. "You killed Mayu, thus cutting her chance to join the Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant and thus receive a year-long scholarship that she so deserves! For that I will KILL you!"

"_Oniichan,_ how many times do I have to tell you?" Mayu pouted cutely. "I'm not dead."

**  
**"Yui," Gendo Ikari told his dead wife's spirit, "We will be together again. Very soon. Through this beauty contest, I will trigger the Third Impact!"

"Uh, Dad?" asked the puzzled Shinji. "Who are you talking to?"

Ayanami Rei only shrugged.

**  
**Kyon and the rest of the SOS Brigade minus Nagato Yuki groaned as a ridiculous dimensional time space distortion happened, bringing the Miss Seed Destiny Pageant into reality. "Oh, God, no, Haruhi is bored again…"

**  
**"Do you understand?" Meer asked the man she hired. "Lacus Clyne. The first girl with pink hair who appears. I want her dead. You got that?"

"Roger," Heero Yuy assured her. "I will destroy her."

**  
_To Be Continued_**


	3. Swimsuits

_Now, we go back to…_

**  
The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

**  
**_Chapter Three: The Swimsuit Competition_

**  
**"Welcome back to the Miss Seed Destiny beauty contest!" Athrun and Kira did their usual jig as hosts. "First up is the evening gown competition!"

There was a long silence in the male element of the crowd.

"Can't we just skip the evening gowns and go straight to the swimsuits?" Dearka suggested.

"Yeah!" the men in the audience whooped. "You're the man, Dearka! We second your motion!"

"Please don't yell my name out aloud. Someone might hear…"

(Backstage, Miriaria twitched. "Did I hear people call Dearka's name out? So he _is_ here… _Good. _I'll _kill_ him…")

Kira and Athrun exchanged looks. "It's a democratic country, I guess," the latter allowed. "Okay. Per popular demand, we're skipping the evening gown contest and going straight to the swimsuit contest…"

**  
**"Oh, shit," Sai Argyle, backstage manager for the pageant, groaned. To Kuzzey: "Tell the girls to change into their swimsuits ASAP!"

**  
**"WHAT?"

"You heard it right, girls. They've canceled the evening gowns. The swimsuits have been bumped up the slot."

The girls, all of them in their evening gowns, groaned. "Perverts," Cagalli immediately declared. "Yuna's still haunting me from the grave…"

"I bet Logos engineered this," Miriaria muttered. _Them and Tohru…_

At that comment, all eyes fell on the newly arrived Stellar. "What?" the girl demanded hotly.

"_Oneesan_," Meyrin complained, "Someone mixed up our swimsuits."

"No way!" Lunamaria protested. "How can anyone think my swimsuit can fit you?"

"_Oneesan_… that's mean of you…"

Lacus considered her rather staid one-piece swimsuit, very conservative compared to the others. "It's rather revealing," she worried to Cagalli.

"Look," muttered the blonde, who was trying to deal with her far more revealing two piece, "You're not going to die if you put it on, okay?"

Aside, Stellar's eyes twitched and widened. "Die?"

Aside, Meer snickered as she slipped into her skimpy two piece hip-tie g-string bikini. _And now you will die, Lacus, and I will be the only Lacus that matters…_

**  
**Hidden from view, Heero waited for his chance to kill Lacus. "Destroy the girl with pink hair who comes first," he repeated to himself. "Roger that."

**  
**"And now, the event all you guys have been waiting for: the swimsuit competition!"

The roaring ovation knocked Kira off his feet. The slightly steadier Athrun helped him up. "Energetic, aren't they?"

"They are. Let's start off with–"

**  
**"WHAT?"

"You're going first, Campbell. Now move it."

"But– but I thought Lacus was first!"

"No excuses. We've rescheduled. This pageant has been messed up enough by the fan boys. Now go."

"But I don't wanna die!"

**  
**"–Meer Campbell!"

Meer swallowed. She stalled for more time in her short life. The annoyed Sai shoved her on stage.

Kira's eyebrows rose at the very provocative outfit that left Meer 95 percent naked. (Predictably, Lacus disapproved of her boyfriend's distraction.) Athrun buried his face in his free hand. "I don't think the rules allow that kind of swimsuit for this contest," the latter host said.

The crowd thought otherwise. "Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce! YEAH!"

**  
**Heero saw Meer. "The first girl with pink hair has appeared. I will destroy her." He ran towards the stage at high speed, a teddy bear in his hands. Meer spotted him almost immediately.

"No, not me, you dummy! I'm the one who hired you!"

Not listening at all, Heero threw the teddy bear at Meer. "Take this." It instantly exploded. "Mission accomplished."

"Heero!" the appalled Relena exclaimed from the judges' panel. The Perfect Soldier blinked.

"Ah. Relena. So you're there. I'll destroy you, too, soon as I find a new teddy bear and rig it as a contact explosive. Just wait there until I come back." Then he quickly retreated into the crowd.

"Stop that–" Kira began. Athrun cut him off.

"No, Kira. Let him go. That man did me the greatest service a man could do for another."

"Huh? Ah, okay, if you say so, Athrun. Next…"

The smoking Meer twitched. "And they call him the Perfect Soldier…" She fainted.

**  
**Lacus' fear was unjustified. The white swimsuit was just right on her. Certainly Kira had to wipe away the blood from his nose upon seeing her walk in.

"You nosebleed just from that," Athrun said in disbelief, "While you barely blinked at Meer's? I find that rather sad."

"… Whatever… the Hawke sisters…"

Lunamaria had to drag the self-conscious Meyrin, who was even shyer than Lacus despite their costumes being on the relatively same level of modesty, onstage. "Hi, Athrun!" Luna greeted brightly. Her sister settled for a timid wave from behind her more brazen elder.

Backstage, Cagalli swore to kill Athrun, her brother and the redheads in that order.

Athrun glared at his best friend. Kira only smiled back and said "Now we're even."

**  
**Aside, this story's author Sheo Darren grumbles at people plagiarizing his similarly-named _Card Captor Sakura_ story's title and lines. His little sister Jess tells him to stop plugging his other stories in the _Gundam Seed _section.

**  
**"Shiho Hahenfuss," Athrun muttered.

Yzak failed to dodge the elbow Dearka sent his way because he was distracted by Shiho's impressively feminine figure, which he only now noticed, having seen her before only in uniform, never out of it.

_This is wrong. I shouldn't gape at Shiho. She's a comrade-in-arms. Oh, and she's hot, too._

Yzak hit himself on the head. Dearka snickered. "Told you she was a hott-"

"Miriaria Howe!"

Immediately Dearka activated his personal Mirage Colloid system and disappeared from sight. Instead, Miriaria saw the man she held responsible for her ex-boyfriend's "defection". Staring coldly at Yzak, she drew her thumb across her throat empathically and gave him a further thumb's down.

Seeing that threatening gesture towards her most respected superior, Shiho's delicate lavender eyes narrowed menacingly.

Yzak grumbled to himself. "Damn it, Dearka, you bastard…"

Kira announced "Murrue Ramius!"

A tremendous round of applause sounded for the extremely well-endowed (and extremely embarrassed) captain of the Archangel in her extremely revealing outfit.

Aside, Mwu exulted. "Yes, once more impossibility has been made into possibility by me."

"You know," Athrun belatedly told Kira while Fllay posed for her own turn at the stage, "I'm starting to notice that the swimsuits the girls are wearing aren't standard issue for beauty pageants…"

"Me, too? Also, Fllay is creeping me out for some reason..."

"We're not complaining!" the crowd yelled.

**  
**Backstage, the annoyed Cagalli stared at the shivering, semi-traumatized Stellar. "What happened to her?"

"You ask," Auel panted heavily, "That… after what… you've done… your fault…"

"Just... get her… on stage," the equally tired Sting pleaded. "Please… do your penance…"

"Okay, okay, whatever. Weird."

**  
**"Stellar Loussier!" Then: "Cagalli?"

"Don't," Cagalli grimly told her brother as she led the dazed Stellar onstage. "Just get on with the thing."

The crowd stared at the two blondes. "Hey," a random guy asked, "Which one is Stellar and which one is Cagalli?"

The Orb princess face-vaulted. "Don't give me that!" Cagalli yelled. "We do not look alike! I'm sure as hell you can tell us apart!"

"But we can't," the crowd whined. "You're like, both blonde and angry and look really hot in green two piece swimsuits…"

Every bit of it was true, too. Especially the part about them being hot.

"Argh!" Cagalli nearly tore at her hair in frustration. "I'm Cagalli! Look!" She stomped over to Athrun, grabbed his face in her hands and kissed him straight on the lips. "There? Convinced?"

**  
**At his apartment, Shinn practically rocketed off his sofa, bounced off the ceiling and came crashing down on the sofa, breaking it.

"Athrun! Damn you! I trusted you! But now you've shown your true colors and stole Stellar away from me! You bastard! You probably had something to do with Mayu's death, too! Well, I'll just KILL you along with the Freedom! I HATE YOU ALL!"

"Yeah, Tsubaki-_chan_," Mayu was telling her friend over the phone, "Can I, like, sleep over at your place for maybe a week? _Oniichan_ is acting really weird…"

**  
**"No!" the crowd yelled. "We still cannot differentiate the two of you!"

"Oh, for the love of–" Cagalli threw her hands up into the air. "I wish you all die!"

Stellar's eyes widened at hearing her block word. "Die?"

Sting and Auel groaned. "Oh, no…"

**  
**"Last but not the least, Rey!"

Everyone stared. Everyone howled. Every man clutched and clawed at their faces as their eyeballs melted and their ears and brains exploded at the horrific sight of Rey in a thong accompanied by the sound of a million fan girls squealing.

**  
**"Gilbert," Rey later said through the visitor intercom in the maximum security jail he was being held in, "I have been kicked out of the beauty pageant. I'm sorry."

Gilbert shrugged. "Oh, well. Stuff happens. At least we haven't died stupidly like Yuna."

**  
**Outside the jail, Sagara Sousuke charged his Arbalest's Lambda Driver. Intelligence reports said the building held vicious threats to the peace and order of the world as well as a terrible ZAFT super weapon forbidden by the Geneva Conventions and all that was moral in the world because it could kill any man who set sight on it.

"Exterminate without prejudice using any force deemed necessary. Understood."

**  
**_To be continued_


	4. Reason

_Again drifting off topic: These are the reasons why– or not– the ladies of Seed and Seed Destiny joined…_

**  
The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

**  
disclaimer:** the usual "I do not Gundam Seed and everything I mention."

**dedication:** To all my reviewers and readers so far: arigatou!

**  
_chapter 4: the reasons_**

**  
**In space, Xellos appeared, looked around, said "Well, time for me to cause my random bit of dimensional chaos here" and summoned the spirit of Fllay from the Underworld, where she had been consigned to searching forever for nonexistent brands of makeup in GUM, the biggest and the emptiest department store in the world.

**  
**"I see. A beauty pageant, the winner of which shall be declared Miss Seed Destiny." Lost within Seed Mode in the command seat of the _Eternal_, Lacus nodded to herself. "I must enter this contest in order to ensure that true peace reign at last on Earth and in the PLANTs."

Andy Watfeld turned and went, "Huh?"

**  
**"So Lacus Clyne will join the Miss Seed Destiny pageant, eh?" Meer smirked. To her manager: "I'm joining that contest to prove who the real Lacus is!"

"Somehow I have a bad feeling about this," her manager mumbled.

**  
**"It is a prerequisite before we marry, Cagalli," Yuna solemnly said. "You must join this beauty contest and parade yourself in a two piece for my appreciation!"

Cagalli socked him on the nose. "You're as bad as my father! I hope a blazing Gouf Custom crashes on you and kills you on the day of the contest!"

**  
**"So why didn't you let us join it, Miss Simmons?" Asagi asked,

"Yeah, Miss Simmons," Mayuri added, "Why just Miss Cagalli and not us?"

"I _so_ wanted to show Lowe I could hack it as a beauty queen," Juri griped. When her two Astray teammates sent scandalized looks in her direction, she shrugged and said "What? Can't a girl have dreams?"

"I had the bad feeling the three of you would die senselessly in the end of the contest," Erika said plainly. _And from Earth Alliance and ZAFT grunt pilot contestants, too…_

"Miss Simmons! _Hidoi wa!_"

**  
**"Do you know, Shiho," Dearka told his fellow ZAFT Red, "Yzak likes beauty queens? I swear. He absolutely worships them! Especially Miss Seed Destiny…"

Shiho quietly considered this revelation and determined her new mission.

**  
**Yzak shuddered. Somehow he felt that Dearka was up to something stupid again.

**  
**"I'm going to win that contest," Miriaria grimly determined, "Become Miss Seed Destiny, and then have Dearka destroyed utterly. I'll teach that double-timing bastard that hell has nothing on an ace female photojournalist with excellent Photoshopping skills scorned…"

**  
**Dearka shuddered. Somehow he felt that he wasn't as clever as he supposed himself to be.

**  
**"You will join that contest," the masked Neo told Stellar, "Defeat all the enemies, and become Miss Seed Destiny. Do you understand, Stellar? Otherwise, all the bad people will keep coming to hurt you."

"I understand, Neo. I'll do my best for you!"

"Good. Now, excuse me for a moment." Neo turned and walked out of the girl's earshot, took out his cell phone and dialed a number.

**  
**_"Hello, this is Murrue. Who is this?"_

**  
**"This is your new mission," Dullindal told Lunamaria, Meyrin and Rey. "The three of you will join the Miss Seed Destiny contest. You will do whatever it takes to win. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Chairman Dullindal."

"Of course, Gilbert."

"Hey, why is Rey joining as well? And is Shinn-_senpai_ coming, too?"

**  
**"DAMN YOU, FREEDOM! YOU RELEGATE ME TO WATCHING THIS PAGEANT ON CABLE TV INSTEAD OF DOING SO LIVE! AND YOU KILLED MAYU, TOO! I WILL DESTROY YOU!"

As Shinn vented his head off, Mayu shrugged cutely. "_Oniichan_ is so silly sometimes…"

**  
**_to be continued_


	5. Interlude

_interlude_

**  
**They watched Auel and Sting loaded Stellar into the regeneration chamber. "Isn't that illegal?" Kira asked Athrun. "The entire artificial rest-and-repair thing?"

"As far as I know, it's technically a medical process that heals Stellar. So there is no issue there."

"And her?" He meant Meer, also being loaded into a second regeneration chamber. Athrun shrugged.

"A pity she lives."

"I can arrange an accident," Heero suggested from the shadows. Athrun was seriously considering the offer when the panicked Sai came in.

"Guys! We have a big problem!"

**  
**"How dare you threaten Captain Joule!"

"Get your hands off me, you lovestruck nut!"

"Miriaria! Calm down!"

"Woah, there, girl! Woah!"

"Lieutenant Hahenfuss! Stop this at once!"

"This is not good…"

"Don't just stand there stating the obvious, Meyrin! Help us!"

Kira and Athrun arrived. "What's going on?" Both men gaped.

Chaos reigned. Shiho and Miriaria were furiously tearing at each other like wildcats. The other girls were trying to part them.

"Kira!" The normally unshakeable Lacus sounded a bit desperate. "Help us! Shiho-san's attacking Miriaria-san! They're already starting to sound like Blue Cosmos and Break The World partisans!"

"Die, you damn Natural!" Shiho snarled.

"Go to hell, Coordinator scum!" hotly returned Miriaria.

Battle immediately commenced.

"Hadouken!"

"RED Kick!"

"Kamehameha!"

"Dragon Slave!"

"Why does Shiho sound like Nami Tamaki?" a curious Meyrin asked.

Kira and Athrun exchanged long looks. "They're still in their swimsuit outfits," Kira mumbled, blushing.

"Yeah," agreed the equally tomato red Athrun. "If we touch them, it's twenty years in jail for us…"

"Will you two idiots stop arguing about the law," Cagalli snapped, "And do something about this?"

**  
**_"Calling Yzak Joule and Dearka Elsmann, calling Yzak Joule and Dearka Elsmann,"_ the PA, Meyrin, droned,_ "Please proceed to the dressing room ASAP."_

The two ZAFT aces exchanged looks. "I have a bad feeling about this," Dearka stated. "How about we make a run for it?"

"For once, you make sense." The two prepared to flee.

"_If you do not comply immediately," the PA warned, "We will drop Junius Seven on you. You have one minute to comply."_

"We're there!" Dearka disappeared. Yzak groaned but followed.

**  
**Minutes later, Yzak wondered why he even bothered.

Miriaria, upon spotting Dearka, immediately disengaged from Shiho and started chasing after her ex-boyfriend. Shiho was not about to allow her foe to escape, but sighting Yzak at close range and realizing her costume revealed far too much of her admittedly shapely figure to the person she admired the most, she turned bright red and ran for cover.

"Well," Yzak muttered, "That was a quick resolution."

The assembled ladies, all still in their swimwear, there immediately handed him a beat down. "Get out of our dressing room!"

**  
**"I know a lot of men dream of having scantily dressed ladies chasing after them," Dearka panted, "But this is–"

"RAAAARRGHH!" Berserk Eva Unit 01 Miriaria leapt for the kill.

**  
**"Due to the resulting carnage being deemed inappropriate for children," a spokesman assured viewers, "Our Network is temporarily switching the scene to a view of a cute koala bear munching on eucalyptus leaves." Despite him being totally European, he does a Japanese bow. "Please excuse our negligence.'

The koala continued to shove leaves into its mouth.

**  
**Aside, the Author of this story is profusely apologizing for the lack of originality in this chapter.

**  
**Shinn howled. "Mayu! MAYU! Where are you, Mayu? Damn you, Freedom! You've not only killed her, you've taken her away as well! And turned her into a KOALA, too! I will TRULY KILL you for this insult!"

**  
**On Tatsumiya Island, Mayu exchanged high fives with Tsubaki. "Thanks for letting me stay with you for the weekend, Tsubaki-_chan_."

"No problem, Mayu-_chan_."


	6. Talent Contest

The naked Meer rises from the smoking regeneration chamber. "I'm back."

**  
**_And now, to make up for the admittedly short previous chapter, it's time for an especially out-and-out dose of Shinn-bashing, truly original and random insanity, and a surprisingly crazy new romantic pair suggestion in…_

**  
The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

**  
six: the talent portion**

**  
**"Lacus." Athrun spoke most gently. "You don't have to sing."

"But it's my talent!"

"We all know that," Kira assured his fiancée.

"Then why, Kira? Athrun?"

"Haven't you noticed what happens whenever you sing dramatic songs?"

**  
**In _Gundam Seed_, Lacus' father, Sigel Clyne, gets machine-gunned to death while Lacus sings _Mizu no Akashi_.

In _Gundam Seed Destiny_, Junius Seven's flaming bits hits Rome and various other places on Earth while Lacus sings _Fields of Hope_.

**  
**Lacus blinked. "Oh. I suppose singing _End of the World_ from Stellvia is a bad idea?"

"Try 'very bad idea'."

**  
**"Hey!" complained Dearka. "How could they threaten us with dropping Junius Seven on us if it's been blown up already?"

Yzak would have shrugged if he could. Both ZAFT aces were in traction in the Athrun Zala's Nameless Mother's Memorial Hospital. "Oh, look, it's your ex," he did grumble.

Dearka actually looked– which might have said something.

**  
**"When confront a rapist attacking head on," Miriaria explained matter-of-factly to the audience, "What you do is hit his nose with the base of your palm."

She turned to Kuzzey, her volunteer practice dummy (in more ways than one). "Now: attack me."

Kuzzey hesitated.

"Attack me! Hey! Kuzzey! Are you deaf?"

The poor guy shook his head in the negative. He did not want to die.

"Okay." Miriaria happily cracked her knuckles. "Instead of defensive measures, I will now demonstrate offensive techniques since after all, offense is the best defense." She took a step forward Kuzzey.

"Our Father, who art in Heaven…"

**  
**"See why I broke up with her?"

"Go to hell, Elsmann."

"Ooh, lookie-lookie! Shiho's on!"

Despite himself, Yzak did look. And despite cursing himself for being so weak in the manner of his friend, he did like what he saw.

**  
**Meer, just regenerated from Heero's teddy bear bomb attack, grumbled to herself. "Stupid Perfect Soldier. You can't find good assassins in the Yellow Pages anymore..."

Well, at least Lacus did not get to sing. Meer could still sing and be original at it.

She was, however, startled to hear that someone had already sung.

**  
**Earlier:

Shiho stood in a solitary pool of light. Her gown was fashionably subdued black silk. She held a microphone expertly.

On cue, the music of famous J-Pop and _Gundam Seed/Seed Destiny _singer Nami Tamaki's _Heroine_ started playing.

Shiho sang it perfectly.

Everyone exchanged startled looks. "She sounds exactly like Nami Tamaki," Kira murmured.

**  
**And now it's **Author's Note Time!**

"Shiho was supposed to be voiced by Nami Tamaki," the Author explained, "But her schedule didn't allow it, so the character went voiceless in all her scenes. She's hot! (Hey, that exclamation sounds a lot like her name…) Well, anyway, I demand that the re-edited _Seed Destiny_ Specials do this lady justice and give her a speaking role and more scenes alongside Yzak!"

Jess sweat-dropped. "Kuya, it's embarrassing to the readers…"

**  
**To the cheers of "Do a barrel roll!" and "I'm Mwu!" Murrue proceeded to demonstrate her talent: identifying people despite their disguises.

"Mwu La Fraga!"

"Correct," her boyfriend praised, removing his Neo Lornokke mask.

"Char Aznable!"

"Damn," the Universal Century Gundam anti-hero muttered as he took off his Quattro Bagina shades.

"Kurosaki Ichigo!"

The Shinigami in question does not remove his Hollow mask, his Hollow nature Ikasoruk Ogihci promptly taking over taking over and rampaging into the audience.

**  
**"For my talent demonstration, I need a volunteer." Lunamaria beamed at the audience. "Anyone wants to volunteer?"

The crowd was split in half between going forward (who didn't want to be next to Luna?) and staying alive (after witnessing Miriaria's brutal murder of Kuzzey).

Stymied, Lunamaria shrugged. "Then," she suddenly clung to Athrun's arm, "Zala-kun can serve!"

"Huh? Hey, wait!"

Athrun's protest was cut short when Luna turned all hesitant and helpless. "Zala-kun… Athrun… I… don't know to say this… but…"

"Eh?"

"I'm carrying your child, Athrun!" Lunamaria wailed at the top of her lungs. She wept on Athrun's glittery suit. "I'm pregnant!"

Athrun's eyes bulged out of their sockets. "You're WHAT?" the navy blue-topped host demanded in disbelief.

Aside, Kira doubled over with silent laughter.

"My father will kill me if he learns I'm pregnant! My family will cut me off!" Luna's tear-stricken face looked up to Athrun's horrified visage. "You have to stand up for me– for us, me and you and your child! You have to support us! You have to **marry** me!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I've never touched you in my entire life…"

She pushed away dramatically from him. "Ah! Men! You always force us women to do this and that for your benefit! But when it comes to taking responsibilities, you deny having any! We women have no one to rely upon but ourselves!"

Lunamaria wept. The crowd began growling in support of the anguished girl.

"Damn you, Zala!"

"You bastard! Stand up for her!"

"Don't you dare turn your back on Luna!"

"Be a man!"

"This is like a soap opera," Athrun muttered, "A very bad soap opera…"

The Strike Rouge IWSP Gundam crashed through the ceiling. (Rejoice, mecha fans! It makes an appearance out of the _Seed Destiny_ OP and official art!) The pink-colored Gundam's cockpit door opened to reveal an angry Cagalli.

"**ATHRUN!"**

"Cagalli! I can explain!"

"**I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE!"**

"You can't stop us, Cagalli!" Lunamaria clung to Athrun again, this time with a hint of triumph in her tone. "Athrun got me pregnant, so we're getting married and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"**THE HELL YOU ARE! STOP PLAY-ACTING AND GET AWAY FROM ATHRUN!"**

"Ah, I see now," an audience member says, "Cagalli is, like, the evil stepmother bitch who's against the lead girl marrying into the family."

Cagalli's glaring eyes shot out Positron Beams that incinerated the audience member where he stood.

"Wow, from soap opera to fantasy series," another guy said. "Awesome special effects, too!"

"That wasn't special effects," Athrun mumbled to himself.

"Does that make Cagalli the evil witch enemy, then?" a third guy asked.

Cagalli screamed silly. **"JUST DIE!"**

**  
**Just leaving her regeneration tank for her turn, Stellar twitched.

**  
**Backstage, Meer desperately paged through sheaves of song titles.

_I need a unique song, one that isn't connected with Lacus, one that will have a massive emotional impact on my listeners, something never heard before…_

_Ah! Here it is! Made by some guy named Jose Mari Chan– what kind of name is that? Oh, well, it's perfect for my needs, so I'm grabbing it!_

If she looked closer, she would have seen this following warning:

**  
WARNING: VERY EMO SONG. SO EMO, IT TURNS "NEON GENESIS EVANGELION" INTO A FAMILY-FRIENDLY EARLY MORNING KIDDY SHOW. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

**  
**"Stellar needs a volunteer," the Extended girl demanded rather childishly.

Cagalli grabbed Athrun and stormed away before anyone could stop her.

Lacus did the same with Kira.

Stellar expectantly looked to Sting and Auel. Her "big brothers" exchanged brief looks of "Oh, shit." Backstage manager Sai shook his head at his crewmen.

"You guys are useless," he grumbled. He went over to Stellar. "I'll volunteer. Otherwise, the pageant can't go on…"

Stellar considered the bespectacled youth a moment before nodding. She stepped back and demurely offered him her hand. "Shall we dansu?"

**  
**(Spelling of _dansu_ is intentional. Look up the Japanese movie of the same name AS Stellar's offer.)

**  
**Sai took her hands. "Let's dansu," he grins a la "Mariachi" Antonio Banderas in _Once Upon A Time In Mexico._

They danced. Ballroom. Waltz. (Endless? Wing. ) Polka. Cha-Cha. Tango. Jazz. **Dirty dancing.**

At the end Stellar curtsies while Sai bows.

The audience cheered itself hoarse.

**  
**Jess gives her Author Kuya a strange look. "Kuya Sheo, why is it StellarXSai now?"

"ORYLY LOL ROFLMAO ZOMG REI WALA LANG"

"Kuya. Stop talking like a 4channer…"

**  
**"**YOU!** I don't know who you are, but I'll KILL you TOO for daring to dance DIRTILY with Stellar!"

We know who this is. 'Nuff said.

**  
**Meyrin bowed cutely. "For my talent, I will need a volunteer." She looked expectantly at Athrun.

Backstage, Sai, Sting and Auel just barely managed to keep the livid Cagalli from racing to the stage and murdering Meyrin.

Athrun quickly held up his hands. "Ah, thanks, Meyrin, but no thanks."

Meyrin pouted. "But," and here Athrun grabbed Kira and shoved his friend towards here, "Kira here would like to volunteer!"

"What? Athrun! Damn it! First you killed Tohru, now you're using me as a sacrificial lamb?"

"Sheesh, Kira, you're so much like Shinn in that way: a nitpicking emo-wuss…"

**  
**"**ATHRUN!** You DARE badmouth ME? I will KILL you– soon as I save up enough money to buy Petron Blaze gasoline for my Destiny Gundam!

"Come to think of it," Shinn suddenly, calmly and intelligently considered, "Considering what a gas hog the Destiny is plus today's oil prices being as they are…"

Realization and rage hit again.

"Damn EXXON and PETRON and their NEVER-ENDING oil price hikes preventing me from killing the Freedom! I'll DESTROY them FIRST!"

**  
**Mayu sighs as she puts the phone down. "Oniichan no baka…"

Minashiro Tsubaki pats her back reassuringly. "I have the same problem with Soushi-oniichan…"

"Anata wa soko ni imasuka?" asks the Festum-assimilated Soushi. _Are you there?_

"Don't pay him any attention," Tsubaki advised. Mayu shrugs.

"That's what I've been doing to oniichan all this while."

**  
**Continuing with Meyrin:

"Thank you, Yamato-kun!" She beamed.

Kira glared at Athrun, who made a Buddhist rest-in-peace gesture. Meyrin tugged at brown-haired host's arm. "Don't worry, Yamato-kun, I'm an expert at this."

Then she **judo threw** Kira.

The Most Powerful Coordinator In The Universe landed hard on his back. Apparently his Newtype powers only work against people who weren't cute and female.

"What the– oof!" Kira gasped as Meyrin straddled his stomach. The redhead quickly and expertly pulled off his long-sleeve glitter suit, undershirt and pants, leaving Kira in just his white-with-pink-hearts boxers.

Lacus covers her eyes. Cagalli gapes in shock. Miriaria actually goes "Wow, he's even more loaded than Dearka" while Murrue blushes madly.

Stellar wails "Sorry, Sai-san, Stellar's eyes are no longer virgins…"

**  
**Shinn screams like a girl and claws at his eyes. "DAMN IT, FREEDOM! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"

**  
**"Ack! Hey! What gives?" Then Kira gulped. Meyrin looked the kind of deranged that Fllay was.

"In fact," she tittered lasciviously, "You'll be asking for a lot more when I'm done…"

**  
**Lacus stared. So did Athrun. Same with Lunamaria, Cagalli and the rest pageant's contests. So did the live audience.

The sight was horrid. The sounds they made were even worse.

**  
**"Meyrin! Please– put them back on!"

"But I'm so much **better** at this without them…"

"I don't care! Whatever you're going to do– I don't want it!"

"They all say that in the beginning…"

"I have a fiancée!"

"Then she can learn by watching me…"

"No! Wait! Please! Stop it! Stop!"

"They all tell me to stop– but they always mean the opposite, urged me to go on… So here, Yamato-kun– no: **_KIRA_. **Let me be your **PLEASURE**…"

**  
**In the amusingly awesome fantasy world of _Erementar Gerad_, Coud Van Giruet shudders. He had the feeling something bad was happening.

**  
**"No! No! Stop it! No! Ah! Ahhhhhh"

Kira's voice tapers off into dead silence.

"And that's how you do a foot massage to the back," the barefoot Meyrin finished with a shy smile, still standing on the back of a mostly-comatose-with-pleasure Kira.

Lacus had fainted.

"Damn," Athrun muttered, wiping away a nosebleed. Cagalli kicked him in the shin.

**  
**"DAMN **YOU**, daughter of YULA! How DARE you KICK me? I'll KILL you, TOO!"

Yes, Shinn's a moron.

**  
**"Finally," the shaken Athrun swallowed, dazed with all the unbelievable stunts the contestants pulled out, "We have Meer Campbell!"

The grinning Meer stepped up to the mike. _Hah! Take this, Lacus! Watch me! And listen very well!_

She began crooning in a monstrously slow, devastatingly depressing tone that had everyone, most of all the Filipinos, screaming in horror and clutching at their bleeding ears and crumbling sanities in a vain attempt to keep the unbelievably depressing love song out of their heads.

**  
**_"Beautiful girl… wherever you are…"_

**  
**"Well," Meer's manager said, "This just might be the end of your career, singing that song live on Sol-wide TV. But don't worry. At least you haven't died stupidly yet like Yuna."

She wasn't paying him any attention. Meer stared at the wall opposite hers. She shivered. "I can't get the song out of my head…"

**  
**_"Beautiful girl…"_

**  
**High above the recently rebuilt jail that once held Rey Za Burrell until its destruction via Lambda Driver Kamehameha, the almighty Wing Gundam Zero charges its insanely powerful Twin Buster Rifle of Doom.

"Lacus Clyne," the Zero System-enhanced Heero Yuy growls, "I will kill you."

Yes, he's a moron, too.

**  
To Be Continued**


	7. Interlude Second

"Where am I?" the dazed Kira asked.

The last he remembered, he was melting from pleasure thanks to Meyrin's barefoot backrub.

He stood in front of a swanky bar that had two cute and bodacious girls dressed in bunny suits flanking the entrance. Their smiles made him wish that he had something better than his white boxers with pink hearts on.

"Welcome to Heaven's Cabaret Club!" both bunny girls greeted.

**  
**"KIRA!" Lacus wailed, cradling the comatose Kira in her arms.

* * *

**  
**

**The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

* * *

**  
**…_will be on temporary standby as we now all scream…_

**  
"KIRA!!! WE KNOW YOU'RE ALIVE!!! YOU ARE ARMED WITH PLOT ARMOR AND THE FAVOR OF THE SERIES' DIRECTOR AND THE RABID FAN GIRLS'S ADORATION!!! IF ATHRUN, RAU, SHINN AND REY COMBINED COULDN'T KILL YOU, WHO CAN??? SO GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE PRONTO AND GET THIS PAGEANT GOING AGAIN!!!"**

"Kuya… Nakakahiya…"

**  
**Athrun somberly faced the audience.

"I am very sorry to report that my good friend and fellow host, Yamato Kira, has fallen into a coma after proving to be unable to take too much of a good thing. This should not be considered a strike against Meyrin Hawke but as an unfortunate accident we never saw coming."

Aside, Meyrin shrugs.

"So, as the Author of this fic says so often, life goes on."

**  
**Aside, said Author grumbles, "Yeah, yeah, that's right, quote my Gunslinger Girl fic, too, Athrun…"

"Kuya," scolds Jess, "You're starting to whine like Shinn…"

**  
**"AUTHOR! DAMN YOU! YOU'RE **DEAD** SOON AS I KILL THE FREEDOM, ATHRUN, YULA'S DAUGHTER, EXXON, SHELL AND THAT SCUMBAG WHO DANCED DIRTILY WITH STELLAR IN THAT ORDER!"

**  
**"Can't you even name me?" Sai muttered.

"**LIAR!"** The distraught Lacus rushed Athrun. "This is your fault, Athrun! You killed Kira **AGAIN!**"

She then slapped him.

"Ah… Lacus…"

"**ATHRUN!"** Cagalli's almighty right cross sent her fiancé spinning like a top. **"YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! BASTARD!"**

"OW! Cagalli! That hurt!"

"This will, too!" Miriaria socked Athrun as well.

"UGH! Shit, no wonder Dearka broke up with you; you hit like Pacquiao–" yes, he mispronounced the Filipino boxer's name as Pack-E-Yaw, not Pack-Ki-Yao. Then Athrun fairly flew as **Murrue** hit him.

"Et tu, Captain?"

Mwu kicked Athrun for implying things between Murrue and Kira.

_Shit, Kira even bags the men…_

He was cut off when Sai's fist connected with his face. "You killed my friend!" the bespectacled lad swore.

Athrun's eyebrow twitched. "Sai, the guy you're defending stole your girlfriend and kicked your ass in Episode 14 of _Gundam_ _Seed_. Also, you hit like a sissy girl."

The furious Sai threw another punch, but Athrun dodged and then beat him up. "**Damn it!** Only **one** freebie punch for each griever!" snarled the beleaguered host– and took a kick in the face from **Stellar**.

"Don't hurt Sai-san!"

The dazed and battered Athrun stared at the oft-abused ceiling. "This can't get any worse…"

The ceiling shattered once more as the Destiny Gundam crashes in through the exact same spot the burning Gouf Ignited and the Strike Rouge IWSP smashed through in earlier chapters. The nuclear powered Gundam's cockpit blast door opened.

Athrun groaned. "Not you, too, Shinn…"

"**ATHRUN!** YOU KILLED FREEDOM!"

"I didn't. And I thought you wanted him dead?"

"I DO! BUT **I'M** THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO **KILL** HIM!"

"Where did Shinn-senpai find the gasoline for the Destiny?" Meyrin asked Lunamaria.

"I hear he went to Guimaras in the Philippines and helped himself to the oil spill there."

"SO: TAKE **THIS**!" Shinn dives from the cockpit of the Destiny in a flying drop kick. **"SUPER INAZUMA KICK!"**

**  
**In the far reaches of the universe, fighting off hordes of mile-long STMC aliens with **Gunbuster**, almighty God of Mono-Eyed Robots using "The Killer Pose" a.k.a. Buster Beam, Takaya Noriko feels like someone is asking for a Double Buster Collider up where the sun doesn't shine.

**  
**Fllay, who had been hanging around the backstage for a while, weeping over Kira's apparent death again, suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"No! If anyone will kill Kira's murderer, **I** will do it!"

The girl flew into the air, rammed into Shinn and violently entered his body in a scene reminiscent of _The Exorcist_. Shinn-Fllay landed on all fours like a spider, flipped over so that he was on his back, stomach jutting towards the ceiling, and propped himself up with grotesquely bent arms and legs.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" he hissed in a voice that seemed a mix of his own and Fllay's.

"Fllay was a ghost?" everyone went save for Athrun, who muttered, "Is this still a beauty pageant?"

The possessed Shinn leered at them. _"All your base are belong to us!"_

Lacus, meanwhile, prayed. "Kira…" _Please come back!_

**  
**Kira had no intention of doing so any time soon. He was enjoying another round of great-tasting Miller Beer with Tohru, Kuzzey and Athrun's friend Nikkol while being entertained by the cute bunny girls.

"We even have a live rock show," one of the bunny girls said, gesturing to the stage where Suzumiya Haruhi (also in a bunny suit), Nagato Yuki (in a witch outfit) and two cute girls in junior high school fuku uniforms performed Hirano Aya's hit **_God Knows_**.

"_Watashi tsuite iku yo, donna tsurai sekai no yami no naka de sae, kitto anata wa kagayaite, koeru mirai no hate, yowasa yue ni tamashii kowasarenu you ni, my way kasanaru yo, ima futari ni **God bless**…"_

"Wow," the awed Kira murmured.

Tohru whistled at Haruhi and waved a twenty dollar bill. "Lemme take you home, baby!"

Haruhi shot him a dirty glare.

"**Kira,"** a tremulous tone ghosted from behind him.

"What?" He spun around in shock. "Lord **Izumi**?"

The deceased leader of Orb nodded grimly. **"Kira… You do not belong here… You are still alive... This place is only for the dead…"**

"What?" Kira turned to his companions for confirmation. "Is that true?"

Tohru gestured extravagantly. "You only noticed it now, buddy?"

Nikkol hiccupped over his beer. Kuzzey was out cold.

"He speaks truth," a bunny girl sadly revealed. "This is, after all,Heaven's Cabaret Club…"

"**You must go back to the world of the living…"** Lord Izumi gestured powerfully like Darth Sidious. **"They need you... My daughter, your beloved twin sister… Cagalli needs you…"**

"They do?" Kira caught his breath. "Cagalli needs me back?"

"**Yes... Besides, twincest is hot…"**

"Huh? What was that, Lord Izumi?"

"**Nothing, Kira… As I was saying, you must return… That girl, the goddess of peace, the songstress of the world, wants you, her knight in shining blue-white-red Phase Shift Armor, back in her arms…"**

"Lacus…" The brown-topped head bowed.

"**Yes... Two girls at a time is also great sex…"**

"Eh? Excuse me?"

"**Nothing, Kira… Continuing, your first love, your red-haired flame, she is calling for you…"**

"Fllay…" He choked back a sob.

"**You'd better get going quickly, too… She's possessed that emo-wuss who looks like a deranged version of the hero from _Fafner_ and is going around attacking people like Zappa from _Guilty Gear_…"**

"What? Fllay's a ghost? And what's _Fafner_ and _Guilty Gear_?"

"**Nothing, Kira… Finally, your best friend, your childhood friend, once-rival and now-ally, truly needs you…"**

"Athrun…"

"**He cannot host a beauty contest alone, you know... The poor boy… I wonder why Cagalli fancies him when she could instead have you…"**

Kira's fists closed. He gritted his teeth and steeled himself. _Athrun. **Athrun…**_

His face lifted. "There's no need to worry anymore, Lord Izumi. Just for Athrun, I'm going to go back."

"**Oh? Really?"** _Why didn't I bring him up first, then? Hey, wait, does this mean he's gay?_

Izumi coughed diplomatically.** "Your friendship must be very strong…"**

"Actually, I want to punch him in the face for using me as a sacrificial lamb against Meyrin."

"**Oh. That works, too..."** _He's straight. Daughter! Rejoice!_

**  
**In the world of the living, Cagalli shuddered even as Fllay-Shinn chased her. Something told her that one of the men in her life was up to no good.

**  
**"Anyway, thank you for helping me, Lord Izumi." Kira bows. "I hope you enjoy Heaven."

"**What makes you think I'm supposed to be in Heaven?"**

Promptly a flaming brimstone hole opened beneath Lord Izumi. He fell screaming down it to hell.

"**AAAAHHHHHH!"**

The portal closed.

"His visitor's pass ran out," a bunny girl said grimly.

Kira shuddered. _Cagalli, your dad is weird…_

**  
**Absolute pandemonium reigned on stage as the Fllay-possessed Shinn chased after everyone.

"_ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!"_

"Run! Run like the wind!"

"Captain Joule! Help me!"

"Kyaaa! Shinn-sempai! Dame!"

"Meyrin! Give him your foot massage treatment attack!"

"I can't! He's on his back! I can only do it when I can get at his back!"

"Oh, for the love of–" Miriaria threw herself at Fllay-Shinn in a barrage of kicks and punches, finishing with a lightning blue Chidori strike. But Fllay-Shinn blocked every single one of them and tossed the journalist girl aside like a rag doll.

"Too… strong… Naruto, I leave it up to you." Miriaria fainted.

**  
**Watching this on TV, Dearka sweat-dropped. "So she has the Vegeta-Sasuke One Hit Wonder Syndrome? One hit knocks her out?"

He turned to his roommate. He found only spent bandages.

**  
**Shiho stumbled. Fllay-Shinn was almost upon her. She screamed.

**  
Faster than a speeding bullet… more powerful than a steaming locomotive… look! Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plan! It's–**

Yzak swept down, grabbed Shiho and jumped out of the rampaging Fllay-Shinn's way. "Are you okay, Shiho?" he asked.

"Yzak…" Shiho's eyes shone. Then: "You can fly?"

"Huh?"

The two of them promptly fell. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

**  
**"Kuya," scolded Jess, "I thought you liked Shiho."

"Imsorryimsorryimsorryimsosorry…"

**  
**Fllay, controlling Shinn, spotted Lacus. _"You! You Coordinator girl! You got my father killed and also stole Kira! Die!"_ She charged Lacus.

Suddenly, a bright light shone over Kira's body. Lacus looked up. She had a sudden urge to sing a dramatic song despite said act probably bringing about the Apocalypse via colony drop. "Is that a spotlight?" she did ask.

Kira rose. He floated. His lanky body suddenly grew muscles. His hair stood up and went blonde. His eyes turned sky blue. A white-gold aura surrounded him. He turned towards Shinn and yelled.

"SHINN!"

"_What the!?"_

"Take this! Ultimate Attack from _Samurai X_–"

"_AUGH!"_ For once Fllay lost control as Shinn broke free of her possession and let loose a typical Shinn Rant. "DAMN IT, FREEDOM! IT'S **RUROUNI KENSHIN**! DON'T CALL IT SAMURAI X! YOU ENGLISH DUB-SPOILED–"

"Whatever. **Amakake Ryuu No Hiremeki!**"

**POW!!!**

The devastating reformation brainwash strike of the Hiten Mitsurugi School separated Fllay's soul from Shinn's body. Shinn collapsed and twitched like a fish flopping out of water.

"How did Kira do that without a sword?" Athrun mumbled.

The now-mournful Fllay stared at Kira. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

"_Kira… Are you rejecting me for that girl?"_

He nodded. She sniffled.

Kira walked over to Fllay and put something in her hand.

"_Eh? What's this? Eternal Pass to Heaven's Cabaret Club?"_

"Fllay." Kira smiled. "Go. Rest in peace."

"_Kira… then, farewell… be happy…"_ To Lacus, whom Kira held in his arms: _"Keep Kira happy…"_

"I will, Fllay," Lacus promised.

With a last smile, Fllay faded away.

"Kira!" Cagalli didn't know how to react. Wait; she did. She punched Kira in the face. Then she broke down crying and hugged him to her chest in a not-very-platonic manner that had Lacus blushing even as she did the same, the effect being that Kira's head was squished in between the two girls' bosoms.

Athrun smiled in relief. "Welcome back, Kira." He held his hand out to his friend.

Cagalli and Lacus still clinging to him, Kira stood up, stared Athrun eye-to-eye and then slugged him in the face.

"OW!"

_Thank you, Lord Izumi._

**  
"No. Thank YOU, Kira…"**

**  
**Tohru ran as fast as he could through an abandoned world of gray shades. The gigantic blue humanoid amoeba creature steadily gained on him, though.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…"

**  
**"Kyon," the sick-looking Haruhi grumbled, "I had this really bad dream…"


	8. Question & Answer

"Why the hell did you punch me in the nose, Kira?"

"If you have to ask that question, Athrun, then you've got a pretty short memory."

"Isn't that overreaction your part?"

"It's nothing compared to outright betrayal on **your** part!"

"Well, if it's betrayal we're talking about– Cagalli!"

"What?"

"Why are you still clinging to Kira?"

"Is it illegal for a sister to show affection towards her brother?"

"What's **illegal** is your **method** of showing affection..."

"At least Kira can satisfy my needs and is faithful to me all throughout. Not like a certain someone here who went off with a twin-tailed redhead soon as he could…"

"Are you still sore on that? I already refused her. Lacus, say something about this. Kira is your boyfriend and Cagalli's his sister…"

"If Kira is happy with this, then I am happy, too."

"WHAT?"

The mind-boggled Athrun reeled from the impossibility of Kira hogging both Lacus and Cagalli. _How did this come to happen? Who's to blame?_

**  
**In Hell…

**Thank you, Kira. Thank you.**

* * *

**  
**_Finally! After a long stint of writer's block, the show goes on!_

**  
The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

**  
the question and answer portion**

* * *

**  
**"It's your typical beauty contest question and answer portion," Athrun said despite a sore nose and aching head.

"Where we ask the contestant very important questions that determine her character's worthiness," the brilliantly smiling Kira added.

"Uh? Kira?"

"Yeah, Athrun?"

"Please stop holding Lacus and Cagalli like that." Athrun eyed with disapproval the way the two girls clung to Kira like remoras. We have a pageant to run."

"Can't the pageant go on even with us like this?" the threesome inquired with perfect innocence.

Athrun face-palmed. "Am I the only one left in this fan fic who's sane?"

"Jesus Yamato!" the crowd cheered in the manner of 4channers from the /m/ (Mecha) section. "Jesus Yamato, font of beam spam and plot armor and hot chixxors!"

"Sadly, I am." Sighing as he rallied somewhat, Athrun called out: "And here to ask the questions is Reverend Malchio!"

The blind minister hobbled onstage– but away from the hosts.

"No, Reverend! Not that way! This way!"

Instantly it turned into a pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey or piñata-bashing game. Everyone began shouting directions. Most were contradictory. None was helpful.

"Go left!"

"Not **that** left! **My** left!"

"Don't listen to them! Listen to me!"

"No! Me!"

"O RYLY?"

"YA RYLY!"

"Do a barrel roll!"

"Use the Force, Luke…"

"Garm One, we have bogeys at bearing one one niner, angels thirty, speed one hundred fifty knots, please intercept…"

"Look out for the microphone wire!"

THUD!

Exasperated, Athrun grabbed Malchio and led him to the proper place. "Here. Stay there. Don't move. First contestant up is Cagalli," he said.

Cagalli reluctantly let go of Kira and impatiently stepped up to Malchio. "Okay, shoot."

"First," Malchio said in a gravelly tone, "What is your name?"

The blond girl grimaced. "What kind of a question is **that**?"

"Just answer it," Malchio order.ed

"Stupid– fine," Cagalli grumbled. "I'm Cagalli Yula Attha."

"What is your purpose?"

"Huh?"

"I said: what is your purpose?"

"Elaborate."

"Oh. Right. Okay. What is your purpose for joining this pageant?"

"I don't have one. I got forced into this by Yuna. That bastard," Cagalli added with spite.

"What is your favorite color?"

Cagalli said, at about the same time that Athrun guessed aloud, "Green."

"Excellent! You may pass!"

"…You sound like you're supposed to be guarding a perilous rope bridge over a gaping chasm..."

"No, I just watch over a big dark crystal ball that usually has a flaming eye in it."

"How did you know what Cagalli's favorite color?" Kira asked Athrun while Cagalli passed them.

Both Athrun and Cagalli blushed.

* * *

**  
"Ah, yes, Gundam Seed, when Cagalli-_chama_ was made of pure unadulterated WIN…"**

"Kuya…"

* * *

**  
**"That looks easy." Lunamaria nodded to herself. "Okay. Me next, Zala-kun, Malchio-san!"

"What is your name?" Malchio asked without preamble.

"Lunamaria Hawke."

What is your purpose."

"To win Zala-kun's affection!"

Cagalli-shot Athrun an "I told you so" look. Athrun grimaced.

"What–"

Lunamaria relaxed._ Piece of cake…_

"–is the capital of Assyria?"

Everyone– contestants, hosts and audience– went "EH?"

"What the hell?" Lunamaria was bewildered. "What kind of question is that?"

"Answer the question," Malchio gruffly pressed.

"How the hell should I know?"

"Wrong answer!" Malchio brought his walking stick to bear. "Receive your punishment!"

Suddenly an invisible force grabbed Lunamaria and threw her into the air at high speed. The startled girl soared through the gaping hole left by the Destiny Gundam (said Gundam was still parked there), into the sky and off into the star-studded expanse of outer space, twinkling one last time and screaming her head off before she disappeared for good…

The other contestants froze.

Kira and Athrun exchanged quick looks of shock.

"Are you going to ask me if I knew there was a part like this in the pageant?" the blue-haired youth asked.

"Actually, I was going to ask how Malchio could send Lunamaria to the Abyss if he sent her in the opposite direction, flying upwards into space instead of down into the bowels of the Earth."

"Oh. Good point."

Meanwhile, Malchio turned to the far end of the pageant hall. "Lacus! You're next!"

Lacus blinked. "But, Reverend Malchio, I'm over here..."

"What?" Malchio looked shocked. He shook his head "No. Impossible! Lacus is currently imprisoned in a max-security prison. You must be the fake Lacus that Chairman Dullindal has been forcing on the PLANTs! The one called Meer!"

Lacus' face was full of indescribable horror at being accused of a fake– more so, **that** particular stupid, big-boobs fake.

**  
**In the smoking ruins of what had once been a maximum security prison, a grimy hand explodes out of the radioactive rubble a la _Kill Bill_ to the music of _Also Spracht Zarathustra_.

"YES!!! I… LIVE!!!"

"Mazeltov!"

**  
**"I want Lacus Clyne here right now!"

"But, Reverend, I **am** Lacus!"

"Shut up! Fine! I will have to do this the hard way, then!" Malchio waved his free hand in front of him in a strange gesture. "Lacus Clyne," he intoned in a burring voice, "You will do what I say…"

Beside Kira, Lacus' pupils glazed over. "I will do what you say," she repeated in a dull monotone.

Kira, Athrun and Cagalli stared at the pink-haired songstress, then at Malchio. The man was gesturing strangely.

"You will go here…"

Lacus obediently shuffled away from Kira– but in the wrong direction.

"No! Not that way! **This** way! **My** way!"

The entranced Lacus stopped in place.

"Turn left!"

She did so.

"No! **Your** left! Good. Some more… some more… Whoops, too much! Turn right now… yes! That's it! Now walk towards me… nice and low… Look out for the microphone cable!"

Trip. THUD!

"Ouch. Anyway, get up and take eight steps– 6'1 supermodel steps, not your steps– forward… good, good… stop! Now, snap out of your trance…"

Lacus blinked. "Huh? What happened? Why am I here? And why does my head hurt?"

Malchio looked puzzled. "What? You again, Meer? I thought I summoned the real Lacus Clyne?"

Lacus looked ready to cry.

"Just ask her the questions already, Reverend," Athrun ordered.

"Fine, fine." To Lacus: "What is your name?"

"Lacus Clyne."

"Wrong!" Malchio brandished his staff at Lacus' face. "You're not Lacus! Your real name is Meer Campbell!"

"No! I'm not Meer! I'm the real Lacus!"

"Shut up! Stop blubbering and accept the truth, you silicon-laden wannabe **faker**!"

That was too much for Lacus to bear. The poor girl broke into tears and ran, sobbing, back to Kira.

"Oh! Kira! Reverend Malchio said the most horrid things about me!"

"I heard. Don't worry, Lacus." Kira smiled menacingly. "For you, I'll **kill** him."

"You're starting to sound like Shinn," Athrun warned.

Behind Kira, the ghostly figure of Fllay appeared. _"Don't worry, Lacus. Kira will truly kill them all for you. I promise you that…"_

"Aren't you supposed to be resting in peace now?" Athrun pointedly asked Fllay. "And why is Kira's harem growing bigger?"

Meanwhile the curious Stellar wandered over to Malchio.

"What? Cagalli? Didn't I already ask you?" The blind minister made shooing movements with his hand. "Go away."

"Stellar is not Cagalli," the Extended girl crossly noted even as Cagalli grimaced at yet another case of mistaken identity.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, go find a corner to curl up and die in already, will you?"

Stellar's eyes went wide. "Die?"

Sting and Auel groaned.

"Captain!" Sai chased the rampaging Stellar. "Your turn!"

Malchio cleared his throat appreciatively as Murrue approached.

"How can he appreciate Miss Murrue's looks if he's blind?" Athrun asked.

"Vivid imagination," Kira helpfully offered.

"Somehow, that actually frightens me more…"

"Reverend?" Murrue asked. "Can we skip the first two questions and get the third done with?"

"Sure thing, baby."

In the crowd, Mwu growled.

"What," Malchio dramatically paused, "Is your cup size?"

* * *

**  
**"KUYA!!!" Jess begins hammering the Author's head with a hardcover copy of _War And Peace_. "BASTOS!!! MANYAKIS KA TALAGA!!!"

"**I'm sorry! I couldn't help it! I just had to put that joke in!"**

* * *

**  
**Murrue turned red all over at the question.

The male half of the crowd spat out guesses. "D? E? F?"

"Wait!" Malchio gestured imperiously. "Is your size associated with… soccer (that's football to Europeans and South Americans)?"

The crowd went even wilder.

"**J** League?"

"**W**orld Cup?"

"Stop stealing lines and jokes from _Genshiken_," Athrun groaned.

Then the Akatsuki dropped through the hole that the Destiny left in the ceiling during the previous chapter. "MALCHIO!" Mwu declared. "YOU PRESUMPTUOUS BASTARD! DON'T ASPIRE TO KNOW WHAT ONLY THE HAWK OF ENDYMION KNOWS!"

Murrue blushed even more than what should have been humanly possibly.

**  
**"Hey," Andy Watfeld shrugged, "If you want to know her three sizes, ask **me**. Murrue and I were a number before Mwu came back from the dead, spoiling a potentially good and original plot development…"

"Hey, Captain," his second-in-command, Vino Dupre, asked, "Why isn't your girlfriend Aisha included in the pageant? After all, Fllay was included even if she was already dead."

"The Author probably forgot about her."

"What a moron."

* * *

**  
"I hate you guys– OW!!!"**

"KUYA!!! DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!"

Thwackthwackthwackthwackthwack!!!

* * *

**  
**"Shin Syndrome is proving to be highly infectious," Athrun tiredly observed as the Akatsuki fired its beam rifle at Malchio.

"Hah!" Malchio raised his hands and _deflected_ the green beam into the ceiling. "Your lack of faith disturbs me!"

Lightning shot out of the blind man's fingertips. It bounced off the Akatsuki's anti-beam reflective paint job, though, and instead detonated amongst the crowd.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHH! We're burning! We're burning for real!"

Soviet Shock Troopers from _Red Alert: The Aftermath_ promptly appear and start chanting in their quasi-Russian accents, sounding like Schwarzenegger in the process.

"Shocking… Power on… Light's out… Extra crisp… Let's dance…"

"Damn it!" Athrun couldn't let the senselessly destructive exchange (not to mention the ridiculous cross-over with an old Windows 95 PC game) go one second longer. "Kira! Do something about this!"

"Why me?"

"You're Jesus Yamato! You're armed with the favor of the show's director and the fans! You survived having your Gundam blown up so many times, it's not funny anymore! You can do it!"

"Yeah, Kira," both Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler urged him from the sidelines. "You can do it!"

"But I'm busy."

"Stop mooching off Lacus and Cagalli and Fllay! You can always do that later!"

Shrugging, Kira said aloud: "Mwu! Reverend Malchio!"

"Yeah?" both men aggressively demanded in the middle of spamming their respective energy attacks.

"Can you guys do that later? Let's finish the contest first."

"Okay."

"Sure."

Malchio returned to the stage while the Akatsuki flew off into the sky.

Athrun sweat-dropped.

"It's a matter of asking the right thing at the right time," Kira humbly said as Lacus, Cagalli and Fllay adored him.

The frenzied crowd worshipped. "JESUS YAMATO!!!"

Athrun didn't know how much more stupidity he could take. "Meyrin…"

"Sure, Athrun!"

"What is your name?" Malchio imperiously asked.

"Meyrin Hawke."

"What is your purpose?"

"To possess Athrun's affection!"

"What… is your cup size?"

"Again?"

"Answer the question."

Blushing, Meyrin admitted, "A."

"WRONG!!! Your size is Negative Z!!! You brick wall!!!"

Meyrin looked like she was having a heart attack, a stroke, liver failure and hyperacidity all at the same time.

"Malchio knows all and punishes accordingly! Punishment: become a star!"

The staff waved. Instantly Meyrin was Force-Thrown into space. She twinkled once before completely disappearing into the night.

Kira went "YES!" Cagalli's cheer actually exceeded her earlier whoop when Yuna died courtesy a falling, blazing GOUF Ignited. Athrun buried his face into his right palm.

"We're going to run out of contestants this way… Miriaria?"

"Don't worry, Athrun." The journalist girl confidently stepped up to the challenge. "I've got this in hand."

"I certainly hope so," Athrun muttered.

"What is your name?"

"Miriaria Howe."

"What is your purpose?"

"To punish Dearka!"

"What…" Malchio began.

_Here it comes,_ everyone thought.

_I hope she makes a mistake in answering it,_ Dearka, still confined in the hospital, prayed with all devoutness.

"…is the flying speed of an unburdened swallow?"

But Miriaria was unfazed. In fact, she threw back a question of her own. "Is it a European swallow," the ace photojournalist challenged, "Or an African swallow?"

"Eh?" Malchio actually looked confused. "Well… I don't know…"

Instantly he was catapulted into space.

Miriaria haughtily flashed the roaring crowd victory gestures.

**  
**Dearka swore at Malchio's failure to defeat Miriaria. "My last good hope for survival… Why did I let her watch _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_? Also, there is no God."

"But there is Jesus Yamato!" someone yelled from somewhere else.

"Stupid /b/tard and 4chan." The phone at his bedside rang. Dearka picked it up and sorely demanded, "Who is this?"

"_I see now why you broke up with her,"_ Yzak's smug voice said. _"You just couldn't stand a woman who was smarter than you."_

"Keep talking, buddy, keep talking. And – hey! Why are you suddenly all well while I'm still in traction?"

"_I have a good nurse. She got me one hundred percent healthy in no time at all."_

**  
**In his apartment, Yzak and Shiho proceeded to madly make out with each other within hearing range of his still-working cell phone.

**  
**"I hate you, Yzak. I hate you…"

* * *

**  
"Oh, ayan. Do you forgive me now, Jess?"**

"Opo, Kuya. YzakXShiho is cutecutecute! WAIIII!!!"

* * *

**  
**"Can someone tell me," Lunamaria muttered as they aimlessly floated through space, "Why this fic has degenerated so much during the three weeks of Author's block that Sheo went through?"

Meyrin shrugged. Malchio only said, "At least we haven't died stupidly yet."

"You just **had** to say **that**, did you?"

**  
**"Interesting." Science Officer Spock turned to Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship _Enterprise_. "Jim, they appear to be humanoid satellites designed to broadcast curses and complaints about how they have not yet perished through ridiculous means."

"Hmm… Mr. Chekov, fire photon torpedoes."

**  
**A grimy but grinning Meer Campbell sauntered into the 7-11 store and went straight to the bewildered counterman.

"Miss Lacus? Is that you?"

"Yes. May I please have a glass of water?"

* * *

**  
"Is it me,"** the Author wonders to Jess, **"Or are we missing something– or rather, some_one_?"**

* * *

**  
**Shinn wakes up inside a bland hospital room. "Huh? Why am I in the same hospital room where Shinji Ikari always wakes up after he loses consciousness?"

(Somehow, the comparison is fitting.)

A familiar person sat at his bedside. She smiled at him.

"Ohayou, oniichan."

"Mayu? You're alive?"

"Oniichan… anata wa… soko ni… imasuka?"

_Big brother… are you there?_

* * *

**  
To Be Continued**


	9. Final Judgment

_It's amazing. After one and a half years, the Author is actually going to finish–_

* * *

**  
****The Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant**

**  
**_**(final) judgment**_

* * *

**  
**"Kuya? Why did you bracket the word 'final' with parentheses?"

"**Oh, that? That, my dear Jessica, is 'foreshadowing'."**

"But don't you find the word 'final' morbid?"

"**Ah. ****That****. That is intentional."**

"Kuya… you're beginning to scare me…"

"**Am I? Hee hee hee hee…"**

**  
** "As you might remember," Kira explained to the audience, "Contest judge Yuna died in the very beginning of this contest and was duly replaced by Miss Erica Simmons."

"Similarly," Athrun explained, "We had to replace Chairman Dullindal when he disappeared. We were only able to get him here just now."

"Everyone," both hosts proclaimed, "Please welcome–"

A familiar grumpy British critic walked up the stage.

"– Mr. Simon Cowell!"

No applause.

"Mr. Cowell, do you have any words for the contestants?"

Simon put a mike to his lips. "The Coordinators are all disqualified," he said.

"**WHAT??"**

That was all the Coordinators present: contestants, hosts and audience.

"I don't mean to be rude," Simon began.

The crowd booed.

"But Coordinators' genes have been artificially manipulated and enhanced," Simon continued. "That is against the rules of this beauty contest, which among other things also forbids silicon implants. So," he told the sole remaining Coordinator contestant, "Get out."

"But," Lacus began.

"I've been known to call someone the worst singer in the world," Simon said, "But you by far are the worst singer in the **universe**."

Lacus stared.

"You're even worse than Minmei. And by Minmei, I mean the **Robotech** one."

Lacus fled weeping to Kira. "Kira!"

"Don't worry, Lacus. I'll **kill** him."

"And you are the worst protagonist to head a Gundam show since 0083's Uraki Kou," was the dry return.

Kira's eyes flashed. "I'm **definitely** going to kill him…"

"You couldn't kill since Episode 31 of Gundam Seed."

"Tell that to Stellar and Shinn in Episode 32 of Gundam Seed Destiny."

Nearby, Stellar shivered.

Athrun restrained Kira. "Calm down, Kira. Calm down…"

"And **you're** more promiscuous than Madonna," Simon told Athrun.

"What?"

"You weren't happy with a princess, so you ran off and browsed through two ZAFT pilots, a fake Lacus and the female ZAFT pilot's younger sister. Even Britney Spears has better taste than you."

"Isn't that the truth?" Cagalli agreed.

"Cagalli!" Athrun protested. "It was Fukuda's wife's fault our relationship got ruined! Besides, fanon supports our pairing!" He paused. "Hey, wait a minute! Who's the second ZAFT pilot?"

**  
**"CURSE YOU, SIMON COWELL!! YOU'VE TURNED MAYU INTO AN ALIEN CREATURE MADE OF CRYSTAL SILICON THAT WISHES TO EXTERMINATE MANKIND!! I'LL KILL YOU!!"

**  
**"Where's oniichan?" Mayu wondered.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force," Tsubaki whispered.

**  
**"You're an asshole," Athrun growled.

"I'm sorry!" Simon shot back. "Sorry! Excuse me for having an opinion!"

"What about Stellar?" the blonde girl pouted.

"Extended are disqualified as well, since they are artificially improved humans," Simon told her.

"Stellar is angry. Stellar will kill you."

"Are you some kind of retard?"

Stellar produced a very sharp machete.

"Oh, get in line behind all the other people who want me to die," Simon scoffed.

Stellar's eyes went wide. "No! Stellar does not want to die!" Screaming, she bolted for an exit door that was locked.

"Other door," Simon advised.

There was a crash.

Simon looked impressed. "Wow, she was so excited, she broke the door…"

"So," Miriaria noted, "The only contestants remaining are me, Cagalli and Murrue?"

"What now?" Murrue asked.

"We decide on a winner." Simon pressed a button.

The floor beneath the audience opened. People fell screaming into the blackness.

"I take Jesus Yamato as my Gunda-" THUD

A large field of grass rose from the hole. The field was covered with unconscious audience members and obstacles usually found in infantry training grounds.

"This is an obstacle course filled with deadly military-grade traps," Simon explained. "At the far end is a medal. The first one to cross the killing field and get the medal wins."

"Wait just a damn minute!" Cagalli snapped. "What does this have to do with a beauty contest?"

"Nothing."

**  
**"Kuya… this isn't standard for a beauty pageant…"

"**Well, I did a ****Miami Guns ****marathon a couple of days ago, they had a beauty contest episode, and I just though that–"**

"… Kuya…"

**  
**"On your marks… get set… go!" Kira exclaimed.

"And they're off!" Athrun noted.

Miriaria got ahead easily. She skirted landmines–

"I've been to Cambodia!"

–evaded bamboo punji spears–

"Burma!"

–ducked .50 bullets fired by Rambo and 7.66mm bullets fired by Frank Castle–

"Helmajistan!"

–a horde of stampeding buffalo that ran down Mufasa–

"50 Percent Off closing sales!"

–and pretty much cleared the obstacle course hosting a spectacularly harmless laser (Sunbow and DiC **say** it's bullets, but the blasts look way too much like Star Wars blaster fire) battle.

"COBRA!!"

"YO JOE!!"

"Nothing can stop Miriaria Howe, ace camerawoman journalist!"

Then she noticed she was all alone in the crossfire. "Hey! Why aren't you girls even trying?" Miriaria demanded.

"Are you stupid?" Cagalli scowled from her place at Kira's side. "I am **not** risking my neck over this dumb contest."

"Sorry, Miriaria," Murrue apologized.

A big fat sweat-drop hung upon Miriaria's forehead.

Cagalli gasped. "Mir! Behind you!"

Waiting for her was a red sports car driven by an unshaven Arab. "Good afternoon, Miss," Ali Al-Sarshes, bane of all nosy reporters, greeted with an evil smile. "Care for a ride?"

Miriaria gulped.

In his hospital room, Dearka cheered. "Go, Prince Ali! Mighty is he! Ali al Sarshes!" Then he grimaced.

Cell phones and radios and sensors jammed. All that came out of them was white noise.

At that moment, a blue-and-white Mobile Suit came through the hole in the ceiling.

"Damn that white Mobile Suit," Ali swore as he drove off quickly.

"Where did that come from?" the audience exclaimed.

"Through the hole in the ceiling," Simon told them.

"Gun… dam?" Graham Acre read aloud the lettering where the white Mobile Suit's V-crest attached to its head.

**  
**Setsuna F. Sei regarded his surroundings. "Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant confirmed to be supporting warfare," he announced. "GN-001 Gundam Exia, beginning armed intervention."

**  
**"Kuya… you took so long to update, a new Gundam series came out already…"

"… **sorry…"**

"Don't tell me you're going to add the new Macross series here, too?"

"**Hmm… Good idea. The Deculture lulz will be well worth it."**

"… Kuya…"

**  
**The Strike Freedom flew into the battlefield and parried Exia's GN Sword. "Stop it, you!" Kira declared.

"He was supporting warfare," Setsuna replied. "Celestial Being will end warfare by destroying all those who wage warfare."

"I understand… I understand what you're saying… but Cagalli is crying!"

"I am not!" his sister protested

Yes, Cagalli was inside the Strike Freedom's cockpit. So was Lacus. And Fllay's ghost.

**  
**"How did they all fit in?"

"**Yoga courtesy Radha Bairaban video tape sessions."**

"Ouch… and wait, they still use VHS?"

**  
**Setsuna attacked Kira and company, cueing in the senseless exchange of battle dialogue.

"I am Gundam!" Setsuna declared as he used Trans-Am.

"Stop that," Kira said as he used Seed Mode. "If we really had a fight, there's no way you'd be able to beat me."

Setsuna docked with the GN Arms. "There is no God in this world!"

Kira docked with the METEOR. "No matter how many times they are blown away… we will plant flowers again."

"KIRA!!"

"SOHRAN!!"

"FREEDOM!!"

(Yes, that was who you think it was.)

"This is pathetic," Simon managed.

The battling Gundams stared at him, exchanged brief glances with each other, and turned on him.

**  
Strike Freedom Gundam-METEOR and Exia Gundam-GN Arms killed Simon Cowell with Seven Swords + Double Super Lacerta Beam Saber Whirlwind Slash Combo Dynamic Kill!!**

**  
**"Mission objective completed," Setsuna reported. "Returning to Ptolemaeus."

Exia flew off. Strike Freedom waved it off.

Athrun shook his head. "I should get used to these senseless battles… but I can't…"

Miriaria screeched. "The medal!"

The item glittered in the hand of a grimy but happy pink-haired Coordinator.

"Yes!" Meer cheered. "I won!"

"Meer won?" Athrun gaped.

"I'm the real Lacus now!" Meer declared.

**  
Strike Freedom Gundam-METEOR killed Meer Campbell with Seven Colors of the Rainbow Beam Spam Dynamic Kill!!**

**  
**"K-Kira…" Athrun groaned.

"Actually," Kira began.

"That felt **good**," Lacus enthused.

"I want the Akatsuki back," Cagalli decided.

"Stick with the Strike Rouge IWSP," Fllay advised. "Mwu already has the Akatsuki, and the Strike is always popular with the fans."

"And that ends the Miss Seed Destiny Beauty Pageant," Athrun grimly concluded.

"Who won?" Murrue asked.

"Whoever did, **we** lost."

The Predators and Xenomorphs in the audience grunted in agreement. Stupid oomans...

**  
**Shinn shakily held his ground as the approaching Mayu sprouted green crystals all over her skin.

"_Anata wa… sokou ni… imasuka?"_

"Yes, Mayu, I already told you, I **am** here…"

A gigantic robot landed near them. It was 160 meters tall and sported all sorts of weapons.

"BETA spotted," Shirogane Takeru reported.

"Weapons armed and locked on," Kagami Sumika announced.

"Prepare to engage," Yashiro Kasumi agreed.

XG-70d Susanoo #4 opened fire a la Strike Freedom-METEOR.

**  
**"MAYU!!"

**  
**"Is there something wrong, Mayu-chan?"

"Eh? No, Tsubaki-chan. I just thought I heard oniichan call me. There's nothing wrong."

"I see. Hey, let me wash your back."

"Sure."

**  
**"Kuya… this isn't over yet, isn't it?"

"**Nah."**

**  
****To Be Continued**


End file.
